Mike Nelson's Movie Megacheese

"His writing is both film-savvy and very, very funny!"

So says none other than Leonard Maltin of Mike's good natured attacks on some of the worst big budget films that Hollywood has produced. Despite their lack of quality, Nelson asserts that there is enjoyment to be had—provided the film meets a minimum Road Housian standard. That is, does it favorably compare to the best bad movie ever made, Patrick Swayze's barroom epic Road House!

In an excerpt from the introduction, Mike explains:

Films not containing poor performances by Patrick Swayze or Kevin Tighe will be judged harshly. Those that lack Ben Gazzara as their evil villain will be roundly castigated. There's no excuse for not telling the story of a legendary bouncer who finds love and confronts his demons at a small bar just outside Kansas City. And while adherence to a Road Housian standard certainly should be a requirement for every film, it needn't be the only requirement. A film should lack any image that could, whether by intent or negligence on the part of the filmmaker, seem to represent Adam Sandler. Every director should also take extreme precautions not to do a film based on the Irwin Allen series Lost in Space. It may seem unfathomable to you and me that this would even be considered, and yet it actually happened. Human beings got together and expended large amounts of energy to do just that. It should never be allowed to happen again.

One film, The Bridges of Madison County nearly succeeds:

There are some charming moments in Bridges. Meryl Streep is always good, and it's fun to see if Clint's elaborate hair structure will hold. Clint's getting older and letting his hair grow fairly long, neccessitating that he sweep the imposing gray mass back and freeze it into shape with rigid fixatives. It makes him look a little like a frightened, elderly clown. A handsome frigthened elderly clown. A clown who could still clean my clock without even copping a bead. So, if you enjoy slow movies featuring geriatric circus perofrmers making love, The Bridges of Madison County is for you.

Many others come very close, and even when they don't, Nelson has fun telling you how and why they failed (almost always, it has something to do with Adam Sandler.)